| Helping The Children In Your Life Cope With Hurt and Crisis
Rev. Leanne Ciampa Hadley
Many people have asked me to give advice on ways we can help our children cope with their fears and pain from whatever causes their pain such as a natural disaster, death, divorce or friendship issues. Children have shared with me that during times of crisis the WORST thing adults say is (to quote a child recently): "I hate when they all talk about it and act like I am not even there!" The BEST thing we can do is acknowledge their presence and really listen to them. Many times in our attempts to "fix" it and make the situation "better" for the child, they get the impression that their feelings make us angry or uncomfortable. We need to try and listen without getting anxious or trying to say things that "make it better" as much as we can. (I know that is easier said than done!!)
Below are some suggested ways we can help them:
1) Listen, listen, listen to them and try not to "make it better." When they are able to articulate, draw and express their deepest fears, the fears have less power. Each time we comment, we risk giving them the message that their feelings are not okay. Rephrasing what they have shared is best. For example, if a child says, "I am afraid a hurricane might come to my house," we might be tempted to say, "No honey, it won't." But an open ended response might be, "Wow--it sounds like you are really scared." That way we honor their feelings and at the same time create a space where they are safe to tell us how they really feel, instead of telling us what they think we want to hear.
2) Trust that with time, they will heal, just like we will. In the meantime give them plenty of extra attention, love and hugs!
3) Make sure they get plenty of play time and physical activity. Many children work out the tension they feel through play, jumping, running and being silly.
4) Try to keep their schedule as consistent as possible. They need sleep, rest, play time and consistency.
5) If you have any doubt about whether your child is coping or not, consult a professional.
6) Find ways to manage your own feelings so that the child doesn't mistake your anxiety over the crisis as your "being angry with them!"
7) Create times to share feelings, but also realize that they have the right not to talk when they want. Never force them to talk and respect them when they say they would rather not discuss it. Children are very good at finding other things to think about to get their minds off of crisis--we might all try and learn from them!
8) Trust that you are not alone, but that God is helping you and your child through this crisis.
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