I just finished watching an advertisement from the United Church of Christ where people from all walks of life and all ages were singing that old finger play song--"I am the church, you are the church..." At the end of the commercial they assure those watching the ad that their church is open and accepting of all people. I am not UCC and still I cried hearing that I, with all my flaws and faults, would be welcomed unconditionally into the church. And then I felt sad thinking of all the churches who only welcome those who think and believe exactly as they do...how sad to be rejected by a church.
Since then, I have been thinking about it and the only thing I can think of sadder than being rejected from a church, especially when we all have deep needs to be loved and feel accepted, is to be rejected at home. And I am worried that, as parents, we are rejecting our children in ways we aren't even aware. I mean there are cases where a parent rejects a child because the child makes choices that will hurt him or herself. It is sort of a tough love rejection that needs to happen out of love for the child.
But beyond such extreme cases, I am worried that our fear that our children, "Won't get into college," or that they "are lazy," or that they "are too bossy with other children," or our fear that if they are free to tell us their true feelings while they are little, they will be "out of control" as teenagers...and in our anxiety we say hurtful things and correct them for small things. We mean well, but our kids get the impression that they are being rejected at home. I hear it all the time in my office. And when they feel rejected, they shut down and find other places (some of them not very good places) where they feel like they belong.
I urge all of us to be careful of how and what we say to our kids. Before we speak, make sure you do sort of a check on your mood--many times we say the most hurtful things when we are feeling stressed about something other than our kids! And then we take it out on them.
And before you speak, say it aloud to yourself...make sure it is phrased in a loving productive tone--your child will hear you better and it will convey love rather than rejection.
And last, if you say something and regret it--apologize...kids are so forgiving and your apology will tell them that you love them!!!